I Just Want to Hold His Hand

I believe there comes a time in each of our lives when we must come to terms with who we wanted to be and who we have become. We must reconcile the dream with the reality and make a decision about how we will choose to use the time we have left. That is where I am right now in my life, and because I'm one of those people who needs to know and understand all my options before I make a decision, I'm exploring the pieces of my past that lead me here. The destination of this particular journey is an informed decision on how to best use my future. I blog to document this journey, and I invite anyone interested to follow along. I feel like I need to clarify a little something, though.

While I'm trying to be open and honest about the struggle and pain of this journey, there is plenty of peace and joy, too. Searching for 'why's and 'how's in my life is exhausting, but I feel like my quest is God lead. I want to know my heart, the good the bad and the ugly, and I want to know my God, not just the Sunday school lessons but the deep powerful holy Spirit that loves me enough to lift me out of this darkness into marvelous light. Trust me. I believe that's where this is headed. The night is darkest before dawn, and I have a feeling that these discoveries will continue to push me to face things I would rather not. If I were still in the mindset I had before I started this journey, I would say I needed to just 'trust and follow' and let God work it out, to just 'be happy' because God is enough, but I don't believe that's Biblical, not entirely, and certainly not for this curious soul that must know everything about everything. For me and my current situation, I feel that would be like putting on blinders and result in not fully experiencing the life I've been given.

I don't believe God is intimidated by our questions, neither do I believe He is insulted by our doubt. He understands our frailties and limited understanding, and I believe He is eager to answer us right where we are, if we choose to seek Him.

When Thomas doubted, Jesus didn't respond with rebuke, He showed Thomas His scars. Yes, blessed are those who have not seen and still believe (I guess technically, I would be one of those since I can't actually touch Jesus' human hands), but doubting when you're hurt is as human as sweating when you're hot. It isn't the doubt we should be afraid of, but what we do with it, that's what's scary. Thankfully this doubt I'm facing has sent me running to the Cross for answers, and I believe Jesus will meet me there and answer me with Himself.

I know God is in this. I know because He speaks in the stillness and fills me with a supernatural peace and joy that I couldn't explain if I tried. I just want to hold His hand, feel the scars, and walk together toward the final day of my life with confidence and determination.

Once again I cry, "Show me Your glory, God, and I will proclaim it from the rooftop You've given me."

Letting Go of My Dream and Seeking God's Glory

Still exploring the 'how's and 'why's behind my lack of confidence in my God (if you need to catch up check out my original post, Getting to Know my Heart, and my previous post, Asking God Why), I wanted to go back farther than my last post. I wanted to go back to my childhood. That's what all the psychologists do, right? I thought I would go fishing in the muddy waters of my childhood and see if I could catch the big one, the one that would explain just where exactly I went wrong, or should I say where exactly I feel God went wrong.

In my exploration and prayer, I remembered a dream I once had. I was twelve. That dream became a vision of sorts to me, I used to think it was a glimpse into my future, part of my calling. In that dream, I was an adult, walking out of an old-fashioned little white house onto a dirt road running by the house. I heard a screen door slam behind me as I walked out, and laughter, lots of laughter. I walked down the porch stairs into the waiting arms of happy smiling children. We were all bare footed wearing simple white clothes. They were much darker complected than me, the white of their smiles glowed in the sunlight. It must have been sunset because I remember gold everywhere, not the kind you wear, but the color. We were surrounded by golden grass swaying in the breeze. There were short, gnarled spreading trees on the horizon, and across and diagonal from that little white house was a little white church. The kind you see in books and old tv shows with a steeple and a cross on top. Arm in arm with two children and followed by several more, we walked across the dirt road and into that little white church. Then I heard singing, beautiful and majestic....upon waking, I felt as if I'd had a glimpse of heaven, and not one detail of that dream has faded from my memory. It's still as clear in my mind now as it was the moment I woke up.

Not long after having that dream I felt called to surrender to full-time Christian service. It wasn't in some special church service or youth rally. I remember spinning (yes I said spinning, twirling really, something little girls do) in the sun outside my house. The sun was warm on my face, uncommon for December. I was wearing my favorite Christmas sweatshirt (one my Aunt Linda and my cousin Beth made with me back when puffy paint was cool). I was praying while I twirled, thanking God for the sunshine, my favorite sweatshirt, my family and the life He gave me. It was almost like He asked, "will you serve Me?" And, in the beauty and warmth of the moment, I emphatically replied, "Yes."

Naturally putting two and two together, I assumed that the dream was the indication of my calling. I was to be a missionary, probably to Africa somewhere. There were small deviations from the plan, like wanting to be a vet or a graphic designer living in New York City, but I always came back to this vision I thought God had given me. I chose a Christian college, and pretty much only dated people who shared that calling. Well, that is until I started dating the man who is now my husband. He was called to be a medical doctor, and while he surrendered to serve in missions on a mission trip our youth group took to Mexico while we were dating, he made it clear that what I thought I was called to and what he was called to were two very different things. The problem was that this was three months after we were married. I won't lay all this on him because any time there's a communication breakdown, we're both to blame. We might both speak English, but I've found in the nearly 10 years we've been married, we don't speak anywhere near the same language. I was devastated. Somehow, doctor's wife didn't fit into my full time Christian service plan. Now what?

Fast forward to my marriage falling apart just a little more than one year after we were married, and I struggled with believing I had made a huge mistake. This man wasn't the right one for me, and now I was stuck. Of course, any time I really began to believe that, God took me back to college and reminded me of a very special time of communion with Him in which He gave me a verse and the go ahead to date this man.

"For it is God that worketh in you, both to will and do of His good pleasure." Philippians 2:13

At this very moment, I am miraculously still married to that same man, educating our three children at home, and managing our autistic son's care. By the standards I set for myself back when I was a child, I haven't accomplished much in my life to this point.

It's easy though to blame our own failures on those around us. It's in our DNA and goes all the way back to Adam and Eve. Can you hear me now, "God, the man you gave me isn't doing what I wanted him to do...." So, here we are in the here and now. "The man YOU gave me." This is the biggest part of my distrust in God. It's His fault I never realized what I feel was my true calling. Some days I feel like He just taunted me with it and then took it away. Now, let's stop for a second and think about this. If God is the one making the plan and calling me to it, and He's also the one guiding me in my life, how exactly can I blame Him for not getting me there? The logical conclusion is to say, that His plan isn't my plan, and it wasn't really where He wanted me to be. It was just a dream.

Great. Now, I'm living without a dream. That's awesome, because I do so well without a plan. Anything I've attempted to accomplish since letting go of that dream, I've stopped short. Getting my Master's degree is the perfect example. I've been two classes away from finishing since before my daughter was conceived, and she's three now. I feel like I'm drifting through life, watching it and all those around me with dreams and callings pass me by, and I still feel like God is to blame.

I like wrapping up my posts with some type of happy conclusion, something that I learned or how God intervened, but unfortunately this one is ongoing. I know in my head that I should be happy with my calling as mother to three amazing children and wife to a good man, but in my heart, I can't shake this feeling that I've missed something. I'll address more in the next post, but again I find myself wanting to believe God is good, He loves me and He does have a calling for me. I WANT to believe it, but my heart is so wrapped around the loss of that dream, that I can't honestly say that I do.

Here's where I believe God takes our doubt and uses it to make us better. My question for God is no longer 'why did all this happen to me' but 'where are You?' "Are you going to leave me here to figure this out for myself or will you heal my heart and give me a new calling? I bend before You and ask like Moses, please show me your glory."

"And he [God] said, 'I will make all my goodness pass before you and will proclaim before you my name, 'The Lord.'" Exodus 33:19

"Show me Your glory, God, and I will proclaim it from the rooftop You've given me."

Asking God Why

I mentioned in a previous post that I struggle with trusting God. I even blame Him for the loss of many of my hopes and dreams. In light of this new information about my heart, I'm attempting to unpack some of the 'why's and 'how's behind those feelings. I've been going back to the places in my memory where things changed drastically, and while my OCD tendencies would prefer this went chronologically, I don't think the Holy Spirit is working that way.

The first memory that came back as I pondered my distrust and blame of God was the first time my husband asked me for a divorce, and as odd as it might sound, I remember it more clearly than the day I said 'I do.'

It was a cloudy Autumn Sunday. I went to church alone. I even remember what I was wearing, but I won't bother you with anymore unimportant details. Our pastor was in the middle of a sermon series on Jesus' last words. This sermon was on John 19:25-27 where Jesus told Mary, "Woman behold your son" speaking of John, and He told John, "behold your Mother." I don't remember the entire sermon, just the part that would later be etched in my memory. In Jesus' moment of greatest agony, when His body was being torn from Him, when His human heart needed love and support the most, when He was surrounded by a throng of venomous mockers, there were only a handful of those who loved Him there at His feet. Only one of them was family. The Cross is a lonely place, and chances are the closer you get to it, the farther your family will be. If you make it there, stay there and cling to those around you because they are now your family. I felt lead to pray at the altar a prayer that I don't think I will ever forget. I wanted Jesus to lead me to the Cross and help me stay there even if my husband didn't go with me. I didn't fully understand that prayer until later, but there was a great moving of the Holy Spirit in my life that day. From the altar to the parking lot of our apartment, I felt surrounded by His peace and comfort. I remember my hand trembling as I reached for the car door. I didn't want to get out and go in. There was a growing sense of dread the closer I got to my building. Climbing the stairs, I felt like my feet got heavier with every step, and as I opened the door, I lost my breath. Standing there waiting for me was my husband and those words no one wants to hear, 'we need to talk.' I could never have imagined what he would say next, all I knew was that I didn't want to hear it. I ran to the back bathroom claiming not to feel well and shut myself inside. With my back to the door, I slid down collapsing on the floor. Then he asked for a divorce, and the first thought in my head was why. Why now? Why this? Wait, God, this isn't what I meant. Am I really going to be a 23 year old divorcee?

After the ensuing conversation and argument, when I was again alone trying to figure out what just happened, I asked God again. Why? Then immediately began to think. Oh, wait, you're not supposed to ask God why. You're supposed to take what you get and trust He'll work it out. So, I began that journey in denial believing God was going to work it out. That I had followed Him and worked so hard to make my life pleasing to Him, that He wouldn't let this happen to me. My husband was making a mistake, and God would correct it, I just needed to have faith.

The thing is, though, Jesus isn't an insurance policy. You don't pay in good to get protection from evil. However, I couldn't grasp how a good and loving God could let this happen to me. It had to be a mistake.

By the time I accepted that I couldn't fix my marriage, and I stopped trying to force my husband to stay (or rather, strongly suggested he go), by the time I was finally and completely alone, I started to see this wasn't God's plan B. He was in this from the very beginning. I was able to see what a gift that Sunday was, and how He had been with me every step of the way. He was there when I handled things well and He was there when I handled things more like a 2 year old. He was there to comfort and guide me when I thought I would die from the pain, and when the loneliness seemed to overtake me, He was there to prove He would never leave me. He was there to answer me in my distress, and in time He would answer my need to understand why.

God is not intimidated or threatened by our questions. When we cry out in humble desperation, He hears and responds in love. I cried out in pain begging to know why, and I believe He answered my question, at least as much as I could understand at the time. You see, there weren't just things in me that needed tweaking like most Christians are willing to admit. There was a monster growing inside me that I didn't have the capability to see. I didn't understand why a 'good girl' like me should suffer something like this. I didn't think I deserved it. It's a scary thing to think you deserve certain things from God, and this kind of trial was the perfect way to show me exactly where I stood. While I believed I was serving God, I had begun to put my trust in my performance, in my handling of my life. I had created idols almost invisible to the human eye, invisible even to me, and up until the crumbling of my marriage, anyone who knew me would never have thought I was anything less than a model Christian.

God in His sovereignty allowed me to suffer the loss of my image, the view I thought others had of me. See, it had to be the crumbling of my marriage (and subsequently other areas of my life). Infertility, sickness, the sickness or death of a child, the death of my husband, or any number of other blameless sufferings, all of these things would have only fed this monster. It had to be something I couldn't explain away. I couldn't stand completely blameless, a mere subject of the evil of this world. It certainly couldn't have been something I could claim to have been found worthy to suffer. It had to be something that carried a certain social stigma with it to help me see where my true devotion lied, to see that I had, in a sense, decided that God owed me for my 'clean living.'

I wanted to be near the Cross. I wanted to go even if no one else went with me, but I couldn't get there carrying the pride of a life well lived. Every good thing in my life came from above. It is not my doing. I did not earn any of the blessings I've been given. I don't even deserve the breath I'm taking right now.

My marriage didn't end that time, not that time or any of the several other times when divorce seemed like the only option. Somehow, we've made it, but it is none of our doing that has brought us here together. It is only by the grace of God, and it is for His glory not mine that I can stand here and proclaim His goodness as I remember the pain.

Two Years of Silence

I never make New Years resolutions because I hate facing the inevitable failure they usually bring into my life. However, looking back over this year and my obvious lack of a plan, I decided I needed some resolutions. One of those is to blog at least once a week. Seems simple enough, 52 or more posts this coming year. No big deal, I LOVE to write. So, why haven't I been writing? Life, children, homeschooling, new home (foreclosure remodel), essentially chaos, and I have to say this past year has been one of the hardest for me emotionally. I don't think that is because of the obstacles in my path but in my lack of a proper outlet.

Why I NEED to blog....Looking back over the last two years (since the last personal blog post), I can't see progress. I feel like I'm still there at the end of that post struggling with the same things. I know God has not been silent for two years, but it does seem that way to me looking back. I know God has moved and worked in my life, but I can't see it or remember the details. So, although I do hope someone reads my rambling digital journal entries and finds encouragement and hope in the words I type out, I blog for me. I want to blog so that I can look back and remember how God has lead me, so I can see His hand and my need to hold tightly to it.

To the handful of people who enjoy these posts, thank you. I hope you're able to glean something from them. Stay tuned. I do plan to be more diligent in blogging my every thought.

"May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and to the steadfastness of Christ."

2 Thessalonians  3:5

This is my prayer for those who read this blog, and for myself. I also hope that at the end of this year I can look back and see that direction. I hope to finally learn to trust Him and believe He does love me, He is good, and He really will work all things out for my good.