I Just Want to Hold His Hand

I believe there comes a time in each of our lives when we must come to terms with who we wanted to be and who we have become. We must reconcile the dream with the reality and make a decision about how we will choose to use the time we have left. That is where I am right now in my life, and because I'm one of those people who needs to know and understand all my options before I make a decision, I'm exploring the pieces of my past that lead me here. The destination of this particular journey is an informed decision on how to best use my future. I blog to document this journey, and I invite anyone interested to follow along. I feel like I need to clarify a little something, though.

While I'm trying to be open and honest about the struggle and pain of this journey, there is plenty of peace and joy, too. Searching for 'why's and 'how's in my life is exhausting, but I feel like my quest is God lead. I want to know my heart, the good the bad and the ugly, and I want to know my God, not just the Sunday school lessons but the deep powerful holy Spirit that loves me enough to lift me out of this darkness into marvelous light. Trust me. I believe that's where this is headed. The night is darkest before dawn, and I have a feeling that these discoveries will continue to push me to face things I would rather not. If I were still in the mindset I had before I started this journey, I would say I needed to just 'trust and follow' and let God work it out, to just 'be happy' because God is enough, but I don't believe that's Biblical, not entirely, and certainly not for this curious soul that must know everything about everything. For me and my current situation, I feel that would be like putting on blinders and result in not fully experiencing the life I've been given.

I don't believe God is intimidated by our questions, neither do I believe He is insulted by our doubt. He understands our frailties and limited understanding, and I believe He is eager to answer us right where we are, if we choose to seek Him.

When Thomas doubted, Jesus didn't respond with rebuke, He showed Thomas His scars. Yes, blessed are those who have not seen and still believe (I guess technically, I would be one of those since I can't actually touch Jesus' human hands), but doubting when you're hurt is as human as sweating when you're hot. It isn't the doubt we should be afraid of, but what we do with it, that's what's scary. Thankfully this doubt I'm facing has sent me running to the Cross for answers, and I believe Jesus will meet me there and answer me with Himself.

I know God is in this. I know because He speaks in the stillness and fills me with a supernatural peace and joy that I couldn't explain if I tried. I just want to hold His hand, feel the scars, and walk together toward the final day of my life with confidence and determination.

Once again I cry, "Show me Your glory, God, and I will proclaim it from the rooftop You've given me."